“what now?”
Hi, my name is Christian Ruiz, and I am a general Communication & Media Arts major. I hold the same standard I’ve been holding for myself since the 5th grade academically, which is to maintain a steady grade point average and to turn everything so I won’t think about it ever again. So far, I haven’t been able to do anything to build my “brand” as the pandemic makes it extremely difficult to go out and prove yourself to earn positions, and we’re forced to do so via video calls. As for what I’ve been doing inside, I am a part of the EOF program, so I receive an abundance of help and even a “secondary family.” I try to use my connections with the program as much as possible and it’s a privilege to even be a part of.
Since last October, I’ve picked up the guitar again with hopes of having something to show, and I’ve been doing nothing but playing during my spare time, especially during part 1 of quarantine. Learning my favorite songs and making my own, it has become my #1 form of expression and self-worth. If I never tapped into this hobby again, I probably would’ve struggled for way longer until I found something else. Other than music, I love video editing. I started on an iPad mini in 2013, putting together really bad videos of me playing video games. Nowadays, I’ve been taking a more linear and sincere approach with what I make. Video essays are always my favorite to watch, and depending on who’s putting it together, the topic the narrator is going on about could be extremely entertaining while also being informative. I lean towards conversations about mental health and maintaining the willingness to strive for better in my efforts though, while others venture into media, but either are both productive conversations anyways.
I would hope to become a recording artist in the next year or two, and if I get burnt out from it, then either a director, kindergarten teacher, or work at an animal rescue place in the last leg of my life. Pretty simple but I mean who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with hyperactive souls filled with innocence? To work towards my dream of becoming a recording artist, I’ve purchased equipment, software, and I’ve been challenging myself with my penmanship. I wouldn’t call myself a “writer” in the slightest just yet; I just figured out how to piece words together cleverly and make them infectiously repeatable. Other than that, I’ve been practicing on building up my self-esteem and trying to be okay with my voice. It isn’t perfect, never will be, but due to past trauma caused by insecurities being built up from not having a support circle from elementary school to junior high, I’ve struggled with even liking myself. And with that insecurity, I haven’t made anything that I can actually present to someone, so getting over that hurdle will definitely help me go through with achieving my ambitions. Even if sacrifices have to be made to get there.
To me, grit is determination. When I reminisce about my mental struggles and how there were too many moments when I thought tomorrow was my last, I realize that I haven’t given myself any credit for even being able to type this up right now. That piece of knowledge is the one thing that is holding me back from trying anything ridiculous, and is extremely encouraging. In terms of how “gritty” I am, I self-admittedly am not the strongest person out there, and I still hold others who are more lively/entertaining than me up on a pedestal, but that’s normal. These battles are never exclusive to me, and my fears are not unique. Everyone fears the same things. It all lies on how we combat it in a non-self destructive way. Persistence is another word I would link to grit. Waking up and being able to follow a routine is a task itself. Learning how to love myself and what I do is just enough to make steps in the right direction for my future. Long term things like a job and even a relationship require persistence to try. How can you live day-by-day without trying even a little bit? It’s impossible. If you weren’t trying, then you wouldn’t be here, as corny and obvious as that is, it’s true. I hope to look back at this and do nothing but smile, as I look around and appreciate how far I’ve come, and what I’ve done to get there. Extremely excited to know how much I will change until then, but it’s better to just live out my dreams to see that, not live in them.
